Messy Life, Messy Death?

tldr: Work on fully accepting yourself as you are and develop compassion for others in order to approach death without fear of embarrassment.

What if I die and my house is still a mess?

I think about this all the time. I wonder, what will my loved ones think when they see I haven't dusted behind my toilet in weeks? Will they judge me when they see the neglected pile of clothes in the corner? What about my cluttered closets and complicated finances? All my messy and complicated life will be laid bare. For some, this will be their utmost embarrassment.

But what's embarrassment? Dictionary.com defines it as a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. What positive functions do self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness serve in our lives? Not much. Self-consciousness's undue awareness doesn't serve a purpose without a positive of functional intention, which then turns it into self-awareness or mindfulness. These can be very helpful and productive when applied with positive intention. Shame only serves to bring pain. Shame is something we often impose on others as their consequence instead of learning, communicating, and connecting. Lastly, awkwardness's focus on others or the self being difficult or hard to deal with tends to make us feel wrong for our mere existence. These feelings wrapped up in the embarrassment of your life laid bare have no place at end of life or during important life transitions.

When I speak with other millennials in the beginning stages of their proactive end of life planning, so many of them realize they haven't thought about this aspect of their planning yet -- who will come in and take out my garbage? Who will have to clean out my closet? Who will clean up my home and close all my accounts? Most skip over the inevitable potential of embarrassment in death.

They think, "I won't be here. It's not my problem anymore!"

Well, that's certainly true. That's also a conversation-ender, a connection-cutter. You and your loved ones deserve better. They deserve to know that you loved yourself and did the best you could throughout your life. You deserve to know that the people going through your things will love getting to know all about you in a new way and that they will respect your wishes and memory through the process.

So what can we do with this embarrassment? How can we prevent this horror or people seeing us for who we really are?

Take a moment to breathe a little.

You can feel where this is going, can't you?

There is no amount of preparing, cleaning, organizing, or performing you can do to get rid of your fear of embarrassment. You will have to learn to be okay with yourself, as you are, right now.

Now, what do we do with this? How do we accomplish confidence and peace at end of life?

This is where I remind you that preparing for end of life IS WHAT LIVING IS. If you want to have a "good death," you need to be an active participant in your current life. Whether you end up on your deathbed in a long-term hospice, on your family farm, in a hospital, on the side of a road, or in a war-torn country, it is still possible for you to have peace of mind. That peace of mind can come from basic preparations and conversations with your loved ones. It can also come from work on acceptance of yourself and compassion for others.

My wish for you is that you approach your everyday life and tasks with intention, that you learn to fully accept yourself for who you are in each moment, and that your compassion for yourself and others grows every day.

As for the techniques to accomplish this? This will look different for everyone. If you want to approach this work with the scope of your life in mind, you can hire a death worker like me, a mortality companion, to walk you through a Life Review to understand your values and how you’re living them out, day-to-day.

Coping with the Death of a Loved One as a Highly Sensitive Person

I bet you’re very well-versed in self-help and psychoanalytic lingo. You’ve done a lot of work on yourself and you know so many techniques to help people when they’re down. But do you do it consistently for yourself? Laughable, I know. This gets even more complicated and cumbersome when we experience the death of a loved one.

How do you even begin to cope? Think of what you do for other people when they’re going through a hard time. The person you’re serving this time is your most sensitive, vulnerable self, banging on the doors of your heart to be let out for some space because it feels shattered. You don’t need to push that part of you down or away, make it smaller, or call it wrong. What you need to do instead, is assure it that there will be time for all of it.

Then, it’s your job to keep that promise to yourself! That’s how you begin to trust yourself in this new world without your loved one. Plan for the time you need to grieve, however you need it.

So, here’s the nitty gritty of coping with the death of a loved one when you’re a highly sensitive person:

Honor your sensory triggers and needs.

• First thing’s first: Be gentle with yourself.

• Do what helps when you’re overstimulated and understimulated.

• Notice the signs that indicate your sensory triggers might be nearby or soon, and prepare accordingly.

• This work is lifelong and worth it! If you are reading this in preparation, take this as your sign to get to work on this task.

Do what it takes to make sure you’re able to get a reasonable amount of sleep, food, water, and cleanliness.

• These basic needs are the foundation necessary for integration of your experiences after big life transitions.

• Move your body out of emergency mode by meeting your basic physical needs, then you can more openly, courageously, and intentionally care for your mental, emotional, and spiritual needs.

Be creative.

• Explore what life and death mean to you. Trust your heart throughout the process.

• What CAN you do? The possibilities are endless. Some ideas include: light a candle and pray or meditate, go on a vacation, do genealogy research, start a foundation or non-profit in their honor, make art, write, host a ritual, have difficult conversations, clean out the house, and so much more. As you continue this practice of honoring your grief while coping with the death of a loved one, that part that felt so vulnerable will grow to become stronger. You will regain your footing and become more confident in your expressions of life and love and experience.

• This part of the process is more significant for highly sensitive people. We move emotions through our bodies, brains, and spirits differently. Sometimes we need to make our own paths. This is when you do that.

Lean on your support system.

• Whether it’s your other loved ones, companies you hire, or a tool you use, there is no shame in needing help. None of the other points made above are easy without a support system.

• This is the main point, y’all! I recommend your own village or the means to create one around you quickly, with people who insist on honoring your experience and validating your needs.

• With knowledge of your sensory and basic needs, identify the people, companies, and tools you’ll likely need to engage with during times of high stress. Communicate with the people you plan to look to, and test out relationships with the companies you’re interested and the tools you may use. For example, the next time you’re sick, instead of being miserable alone, call the friend who said would be there for you, and ask them to pick up your medicine or watch a movie with you online. This can help you understand people’s boundaries in real scenarios and also help you bond more closely. Your busiest month of the year, try hiring a cleaning service or that meal delivery service you’ve been eyeing. When you need it most, you want it to be a familiar experience.

If this writing is meaningful to you, this discussion about death and dying experiences for highly sensitive people might be, as well. Consider joining me to chat about the things we’ve noticed, the things we’re thinking about, and what we’ve experienced.