Pick Your Death Team: Fighter Edition

Gather ‘round, everyone, and listen up. Every adventurer must one day face death. Assembling the proper team to accompany you on your journey is of utmost importance.

One major battle many fight in the face of death is the fight to die where we want. According to a palliative care study at Stanford University, “80% of Americans would prefer to die at home, if possible. Despite this, 60% of Americans die in acute care hospitals, 20% in nursing homes, and only 20% at home.”

What makes a good Death Team fighter? Monica won this battle and honors us by sharing her story. May we all be grateful and heed her advice.

Meet: Monica Bihm

Class & Level: Fighter 10

Background: Mother of Queens, Hell Raiser

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Laughs in the face of danger. Fierce enforcer of justice. Doesn’t take “no” for an answer.

Monica, set the scene for us. What was life like before this battle?

Life was normal at the time. Life was good. It was the middle of summer and everybody was having a grand old time.

You met with death when your mother died, which you’ve shared was a peaceful experience for you.

Tell us what happened in this battle and how you made it out.

My uncle was not sick before this.

Three weeks after my birthday party that summer, he called and said, “Can you bring me to the hospital? Something’s wrong.” From that phone call until the end of his funeral was 33 days.

So, here’s what happened.

He knew he was dying. In that ward of [the hospital] you could hear people getting their last rites through the walls, or family members crying, their loved ones dying at all hours of the night, or them saying the rosary at 1 AM. We knew what they were doing. I would have to try to trick him to not hear it. The environment was just horrible. Even though we all knew he had no hope, hearing it was just sad. It was horribly sad. That’s when I demanded in a very dramatic way that he’d be home with me.

I made the decision on Saturday. They tried to make me wait until Monday.

What was the reason for making you wait?

Because it was Monday, you know, it was a weekend. In all honesty, nobody gave a $#!+ enough to deal with it on the weekend, to call people in from their weekend.

Monica’s Battle Attack:

• I lost my $#!+ in the hall.

• I sat on the ground, in the middle of the hall, screaming that I would not shut up until they got my uncle to my house.

• BE NOT AFRAID: They said, “You’re gonna get kicked out” and somebody even threatened to have me arrested.

• They ended up getting my uncle home the same day because of the show.
  

How has your perspective changed after this hard-won battle?

I think hospitals should be in charge of healing someone. But in the end, when it’s someone dying, they need to step back.

Maybe everybody’s not cut out to do what I did. But once you’re in it, it’s like a roller coaster, you can’t stop until it pulls in.

—

We would all be so lucky to have a Fighter like Monica on our team.

Fighter Monica had some great wisdom to share with us today about persistence, standing up (or sitting down) for what’s right, and fierce love and protection. Are you the person in your death party who is willing to scream in the middle of a hospital death ward to get your loved one brought home?

If not, it’s time to find your fighter.

Building a death team is essential in preparation for being fully present in the adventure of life. How can you confidently go forth without knowing you’ve got people you can depend on to bolster any vulnerabilities?

As your Mortality Companion, I must urge you to consult with your team as soon as possible to secure your Fighter.

Distanced Grieving

Let’s be real. Our Covid-19 numbers are the worst they’ve been all year as of this writing. To be frank, even for those of us who are taking the most precautions, we need to prepare to lose someone in our circle in the coming months, if we haven’t already.

Now is the time to make a plan.

Don’t expect someone who has experienced a loss to tell you how to support them.

They’re too busy in their own world of grief and cleaning up affairs and such to necessarily tell you what they need. They just need the things.

They may be distanced from you, but unless they’ve clearly and intentionally cut you out of their life, you can still make contact and help.

Help with ordinary things. The traditional help is still relevant for a reason. Write a heartfelt letter or send a card. Send them ready-to-heat or ready-to-eat food. Offer to meet up with them for a walk. Venmo them some cash for a coffee or other kind of treat or whatever it is they need.

Get your team of support on board now so everyone knows to check in.

Your relationships this year and especially in time of crises are likely to change. They just will. And we can’t fault anyone for that. These are unprecedented times and we have to give ourselves and others grace. Our capacity for relationships is just… lower. But! Knowing we have support from people, even if we can’t dedicate ourselves to nurturing that relationship or friendship like we want to, can be so comforting.

Get in touch with the people you care about who you think might be able to check in with you and be willing to support you, and have you support them. Talk about collective grief over the pandemic and how the events of the year have affected your lives. Get in tune now so that when/if tragedy strikes, you’ll each know where the other stands and you can be better support, even from a distance.

You can’t fix or erase the pain so don’t try.

Being present with the truth of it helps remove shame of hard feelings. Seriously, there is so, so much guilt and shame around tough feelings and especially grief. BREAK THAT WALL. This is all REAL and it can’t be healthfully swept under a rug. Be real with yourself and with others, and be someone your people can come to and know they are safe expressing the hardest parts of processing. We all go through it at some point. In this way we are all on equal playing fields.

It’s hard. Say it’s hard.

Check in regularly, even if you have to set a reminder to do so.

I set reminders to check in with friends and have ZERO shame about it. Our day-to-day lives can take over and a week or a month goes by and we realize we haven’t spoken to one of our favorite people, someone we know we wanted to stay in touch with. And then the guilt and awkwardness of trying to say, “I forgot about you because I got lifed.” gets overwhelming and we wait even longer to reach out.

Here’s the thing: A simple “thinking of you” text that doesn’t require a response can be a lifeline.

Ask the right questions and don’t turn away when things get tough.

“What’s the hardest part?”

“How are you taking care of yourself?”

Practice active listening and just HEAR what your friend has to say. Don’t jump in at every pause. Give them space to breathe, to think. Give yourself time to take it in and imagine how they’re feeling. Reflect back to them what you hear and affirm that feeling however they’re feeling is okay. Don’t tell them they’re wrong or need to feel a different way. It’s all PART OF IT.

One of the most devastating feelings can be to open up to someone and have them cringe, turn away, or walk away when the ugly or scary insides of an emotion get cracked open. It’s happened to me and my first instinct reaction is to close back up REAL TIGHT and be a lot more discerning about what I share. While that’s protective of me, it robs my loved ones from knowing how I really feel and being able to help me. So, as a loved one, do your very best to just meet people where they are. You have hard parts, too, and what you’re really uncomfortable about might just be your own reaction, not theirs. Respond accordingly.

Make a plan for joy.

Don’t let sorrow take over. It’s easy to let it. But you need balance. Share happy memories or make favorite meals.

Decorate a memory board or create a special memory box to flex your creativity and process grief in an alternative away.

Do what’s healthy and feels good.

Dance. Sing. Create. Live a life your lost loved one would have wanted for you. Or if there was animosity, live freely knowing they’re no longer here to pressure you otherwise.

Get Outside Support.

Familiarize yourself with the Death Cafe site — Death Cafes are place where people can talk about all aspects of death, dying, and living. They are not grief counseling groups but rather participant-lead free discussions. Each session is unique and goes in the direction of the people in attendance. Much can be learned and shared.

Many community and faith-based grief counseling groups have gone virtual — find those for your community or find one online you would like to attend and bookmark it for you or others. Having those resources available BEFORE you need them will make the decision of attending much easier when the time comes.

And, if you feel it necessary, enter into counseling or a relationship with a professional grief counselor. These relationships can be brief or ongoing, but can really be a lifeline for those struggling particularly hard after a loss. Many free resources are available and many therapists, psychologists, and counselors have adapted their practices for virtual meetings.

Lastly, understand these truths:

There is no timeline for grief.

There is no set way to grieve.

People will say stupid things, but everyone is trying their best.

xo, Madison

You should TOTALLY plan your own memorial.

Yes, you really should plan your own memorial.

Why should you? How do you even start?

1. It removes the burden of planning from your loved ones’ shoulders.

2. You can insert your own personality into the ceremony.

3. You can make sure you set up nice things for your loved ones.

4. You can share your wishes and get peace of mind knowing it is taken care of.

Let’s get right to it and talk about what all these things mean.

Removing the Burden on Loved Ones

Planning is hard when you’re grieving.

Real talk. I’ve experienced some crappy funeral planning. For one, the door in the meeting with the funeral director had to be locked and authorities called because someone was banging on the door insisting the plans be different. Things can get weird really quickly when your plans aren’t laid out clearly. Don’t leave your loved ones vulnerable to drama.

It’s really easy to say that the memorial is for them so they can decide what they want to do, but when there are several people who love you and want to be part of the planning are grieving, disagreements can turn into bigger deals than they should be. Just trust me on this one. You want to help out your loved ones in this way. You really do.

Decide how you want your body disposed of: burial, cremation, or something else, and make arrangements for it.

So, nowadays, depending on where you live and your financial means, there are loads of different options for your body after you’ve died. While being restricted in options based on your funds sucks, that’s where we’re at. Research the options in your area (and alternative options that your body can be transported to) and you can start setting aside money for it or make sure that your life insurance plan would cover the cost of your decision.

One option you may not already know you have is that you CAN have a natural, “green” burial — you can set up your own natural cemetery if you have the land (check your local laws — it’s actually pretty easy!) or you can try to find one within a few hours — they’re typically in beautiful places like groves in forests, or hills and prairies with beautiful views.

There are also options beyond the regular cremation like having your ashes processed into solids that look and feel like stones, or having your remains transformed into soil or into a pod to plant alongside a tree. Go exploring and see all your options!

Where do you want your memorial to be?

Many memorials take place in funeral homes, simply because it’s easier. But you can always choose whatever you want! It’s just a matter of what is available at the time. Decide ahead of time if you want your memorial to be at someone’s home, at a community center, at a restaurant or bar, or even at a public park, even a destination memorial? You could absolutely set aside money for your loved ones to go away for a weekend to a destination of your choice and have them bring others in virtually for the formal memorial ceremony. So many options!

Who will be the faith leader or MC to manage the ceremony?

You may or may not want to have a traditional faith leader manage the flow of your ceremony — it’s up to you! You could have a friend do it, or hire someone professional from the community to manage the schedule of the ceremony. Either way, it’s helpful to designate someone to be the MC, host, or leader of the ceremony to make sure that everything gets done in appropriate times and the ceremony goes smoothly.

What pictures, objects, or videos do you want on display?

While, for me, it was a joy to go through my grandmother’s old albums to pick out pictures for her slideshow to be viewed on her funeral-home-created memorial page and on a TV at the memorial service, it still took up a ton of time and was awkward to manage between her children who all would be represented - everyone felt the need to give approval and look over things. For that experience, it wasn’t too bad, but I could see it being complicated for other families with more issues or strained relationships.

Additionally, setting aside things you want displayed at your memorial can mean marking pieces of artwork and choosing a particular photograph or headshot to be displayed for those in attendance. You can even choose to have a display of collected items that those in attendance can choose from to take home with them.

Make a list of people to contact.

This one is SUPER important. It can be devastating to find out a friend of yours died and you didn’t find out in time to contribute to the memorial or be in attendance at the ceremony. Make sure you have a list of names, emails, and phone numbers of the people you definitely want informed in the case of your death. You can even make a decision of who of your family or friends is comfortable making the calls not only to the rest of the family but also to the people on your list. Talk to your loved ones and they can choose this task for themselves instead of having it thrust on them.

Who will manage any potential virtual element if distance is a barrier?

So, this is a new one for most people. Distanced memorialization has become common with our current worldwide pandemic (Coronavirus in 2020) but it has always been an option for people living across the world who can’t leave to attend. Having an option for people who can’t physically attend is now more important than ever. The person you designate to manage this should be very good with technology and highly capable of sharing the information needed to those who will use it.

You can also designate a service to manage this for you, like an end-of-life doula, audio-video company, or even a virtual assistant.

Set aside funding for all the elements ahead of time.

You have several options for this. You can create a special savings account to put money into, and keep notes on how much you project each element of your ceremony to cost. Many people purchase life insurance policies that they project to cover not only their body services and their cremation/burial/funeral/memorial but also to cover the lost wages in time off and other expenses around recovering from loss. (These expenses may include additional self-care like a trip to recharge, additional therapy, and other things.)

Insert Your Personality

What kind of food do you want served?

Do you want typical party foods from a deli, or specifically your favorite meals? Do you want to make sure there are options for different dietary restrictions? If you want particular food served, make note of the recipes and talk with your loved ones to decide who will manage making it.

You can also decide who will be in charge of make sure the food is set up properly or pick up any supplies. Special coffee or tea? Certain drinks? A signature cocktail? You decide!

What kind of music do you want played or sung? Make a playlist!

It is common for people to want certain hymns or songs sung at their memorial. I’d say the most common is definitely “Amazing Grace”. Perhaps you want particular songs played during particular times of the service? Or a loop of different songs played along with a loop of your photo or video slideshow? Especially with shared playlists on Spotify, Apple Music, and other music platforms, it’s really easy to create a list of your favorite songs for your loved ones to remember you by and also to share a playlist of the songs you want played at your memorial. You can leave directions about when to play what in the notes of your playlist.

Do you want any specific poems or passages shared?

Along those same lines, many people want particular religious passages, poems, or excerpts from books read aloud at their memorial. You could also write your own message and choose the person to read it aloud. Talk to your loved ones and decide together who will read what passages. Allowing them to be part of the decision process is a great help to them, and a big comfort when it comes time for them to perform the reading during the ceremony.

Who will speak/give eulogies/share stories?

And beyond sharing pre-determined songs and passages, who do you trust to write their own speech or share about their time with you or about your life? This one is the biggest ask of these options. These moments can get particularly heavy and emotional for the speaker, depending on the person and your relationship. This is a wonderful conversation to have before the time comes — so you can know that the person sharing on your behalf will have your blessing.

Do Something Nice for Loved Ones

For donations, would you prefer flowers or plants?

I know flowers are REALLY common to donate and have delivered for funeral and memorial services. I get it, they’re beautiful. But think about it. They die. And then the family who took them home after the service gets to watch the flowers die to mark time passing since their loved one has died. I say NAHHHHH to flowers. Instead, you can (and I think you should) encourage people to purchase sustainable and easy-to-maintain plants. Lush greenery can be so beautiful and represent a celebration of life. In addition, those plants can go home with loved ones and they can take care of the plants for years in remembrance of you.

Plants that are easy to care for that I recommend:

• Ivy

• Pothos

• Philodendron

• Bamboo

• Fiddle Leaf Fig

• herbs, galore!

• allll the succulents

• ZZ (Zanzibar) Plant

• “spider” plant

• “snake” plant

• Jade plant

• Chinese evergreen

• Parlor palm

• Rubber Plant

• Dumb Cane

Choose the funeral card design and content for guests to keep.

Funeral cards may SEEM too cheesy or traditional, but having these to keep from all my friends’ and family’s funerals has been really comforting. I can keep them in a special place and remember them fondly.

Funeral homes typically have religious images to place full size on the back, with a picture of you and a passage underneath on the other side.

So, for a basic funeral card, you need to pick the image for the back, the portrait of you, and the short passage you want included on the card. Your date of birth and your date of death with also be included on the card.

If you like you can also set aside the digital files yourself and make sure someone has access access to them so they can add the date of your death and get something custom printed.

My recommendation as to quantity is to get at least three times as many as you think you need. These funeral cards are things that people collect and I personally like to take a few, especially for people who were particularly special to me, so I can keep them in several places and have more in case they get lost. Always get more.

Choose a guestbook for people to write their names and leave notes & stories.

Funeral homes will typically provide a guestbook for your service, but if you aren’t holding your service there, you’ll need to get your own.

Guestbooks from memorial services are not only places for guests to write their names, but also a place to use as a sort of scrapbook for the event. In it, you can add the obituary, copies of the program, peoples speeches, pictures of the setup, and anything else special from the event.

Another good idea: Let people know in the invitation that they can bring written stories or pictures that they wanted added to the book, and that they must write their names on their submissions.

If you do have your own guestbook, make sure that guests write their email address, phone number, and mailing address along with their names - or some reliable way to communicate with them. Your loved ones hosting the event will want a way to send thank you notes to those in attendance, and having contact information for people who cared for you can give your grieving loved ones a list of people to call when they are missing you.

Share and Get Peace of Mind

Share this experience of planning with those close to you.

Whether you include them in the decision process or you let them know where your plans are for when the time comes, knowing that there IS a plan can give them peace of mind. They will thank you for giving them the gift of not wondering what it is you want, and for writing out the seemingly silly details of what to do. Confusion and disagreement can be particularly hard to deal with when you’re grieving. Give them this kindness of preparing ahead.

Keep your wishes written and in a safe place.

There are several ways to go about this.

You can create a shared document on several different platforms (Google Drive, Evernote, DropBox, even Apple Notes) so that any time you make a change, that change is also updated for anyone it is shared with.

You can create a special file on your computer with all the relevant documents and information — just make sure to back it up on a separate drive or email complete copies to someone you trust.

You can print out your plans and keep them your other important documents. But remember, my recommendation is to always have a backup or additional copy with someone you trust.

Just make sure it’s recorded in SOME way and dated!

This just covers the basics.

I know, it seems like a lot. It can be. But don’t let it overwhelm you. Planning this ceremony can be a beautiful process and a really, really kind gift for your loved ones after you’ve died.

I wish the people in my family who died already had pre-planned their services. Having those things decided and intentional would have made the whole experience much more special instead of our floating through numb and going through the motions with decision fatigue on top of grieving.

Will you be creating a plan for your own memorial? Head to my contact page or find me on social media and let me know! I would love to hear of any unique plans you have or what the experience of planning it has been like for you.